Censor Chief, are you listening?

Banning bakwas and censoring curses may be the top concern of the righteous higher-ups of Indian democracy. Does that really matter? We think there are bigger things to worry about….

Censor Chief, Censor Chief,
Yes, janta!
Banning content?
Yes, janta!
Are we kids?
No, janta!
Let’s watch AIB?
Na baba na!

Being a late-riser, someone who wakes up after half the world is done with most of their daily rigmaroles, excuse my late reaction to the censorship fracas that has been unfolding in our country over the last few weeks/months. I do know that the Information and Broadcasting Minister Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore has assured the angered filmwallahs that the Censor Board will be liberal and won’t impose cuts and bans suited to one person’s idea of morality and righteousness. And if the buzz is to be believed filmmaker Chandraprakash Dwivedi may step into the Censor Board Chief’s big shoes.

So here’s my plea to what the Chief should actually censor/ban:

Movies in which women are present merely to doll-up, dance and look dumb

Nothing wrong with looking pretty and having fun, but these stereotypes make men believe that all women will laugh at their bad jokes, constantly strut around in their LBDs (Little Black/Beautiful Dresses), make sexy moves on the dance floor and have nothing else to do in life except woo the macho men. Give us some style and substance!

Movies that have maximum budget allocated for actors, costumes, locations and pittance for the script

We are a country that makes more than 800 movies a year so obviously the competition is stiff. Thus, filmmakers have to offer something meaty and not just ‘stars’ for the audience to return to cine halls. Right, na? By the way, ‘meat’ doesn’t mean only six-packs and décolletages. It can be an original story, a good adaptation of a powerful prose, an unheard tale, an imaginative world…

Movies that have jokes on skin colour

Calling someone ‘kalu’, ‘kaliya’, ‘bhoot’, etc. isn’t hilarious or sound nice. Ever heard fair-skinned people addressed by the hue of their skin, like ‘brown’, ‘yellow’, ‘pink’? Why poke fun at someone for their damn melanin? Not fair!

Movies that have 45-year-olds playing 25-year-olds and schmoozing 20-year-olds

Giving bytes on gender equality and women’s rights is easy, but hell with the long monologues when it comes to business. Filmmakers’ strong minds conquers their weak hearts and a saleable hero has to be cast opposite a saleable heroine. It means a superstar paired with a starlet. Wouldn’t an easy solution be to let the 25-year-olds chase the girls and 50-year-olds romance the ladies?

Movies that have size-zero heroines

Every time a svelte lady sashays in her branded bikini on the big screen, the regular women feel pressurized to match up to that standard. Some slog their asses to achieve it and some resort to the ice cream hidden in their freezers due to emotional stress. So, let there be more Vidya Balans, Sonakshi Sinhas, Huma Qureshis in the movies. And feed the Kareena Kapoor Khans, Deepika Padukones, Priyanka Chopras some real food like ghee, gehu and gajjar ka halwa. This way we women can eat their desserts at peace.

Movies made as per a formula

When a cop film rakes in unlimited moolah at the box-office, doesn’t mean that every hero has to dish out their idea of policegiri. One country, one cultural (theoretically, atleast) and one kind of corruption. What is one khakhi-clad man telling us that the previous one hasn’t said?

Movies that have bad acting

Screaming when angry, hysteria as hilarity, glaring when introspecting, howling as crying isn’t the best way to exhibit emotions. Isn’t the next-door neighbour competent for such acts too? There are bad actors and there are good artists who act lazy, so let’s ensure at least the few real performers around make the audience really feel something. By not releasing such films the audience will save their hard-earned money and precious time to do better things in life.

Movies halls where ushers don’t check IDs of cine-goers

How many times is one asked to show an age proof for A-certified or sensitive content? Never! Let an extra buck or a pleading smile to an underpaid ticket checker or laziness make a way out for the young and impressionable. Have strict rules so a below-18 can’t enter a movie hall showing A-certified film. Maybe if that is taken care of adults can be treated like one and the bakwas won’t bother the babus and gaalis won’t upset the government.

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